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Welcome to Projected Figures

If you have come to Projected Figures expecting accountancy, you are in the right place. Accountancy is what film writers do: counting minutes, counting words, reducing all cinema’s abstract expressions to calibrations,  evaluations and calculated formulae on a simplified, and simplifying, worksheet. Critics, you see, operate a kind of reverse-alchemy, transforming vibrant sights and sounds into bland verbiage and, if you’re…

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Spamming Septic Man

Those of you who follow me on Face***k or Twitter will know that I regularly post screenshots of the bizarrely positive spam messages that my review of Jesse Thomas Cooke’s Septic Man (2013) attracts at least once a day. Normally these are brief and (for anyone who has actually seen the film or read the review) improbably…

Damage

Brain Damage (1988)

First published by Film4 Synopsis: In Frank Henenlotter’s second comedy horror, a personable alien parasite named Elmer embodies the highs and lows of addiction in Reagan-era New York. Review: While so many other independent horror directors in the eighties were content just to churn out formulaic slasher flicks, Frank Henenlotter was staking out altogether darker and…

teeth

Teeth (2007)

First published by Little White Lies There are few horrors greater than the adolescent body, and so, since their invention in the sixties, teenagers have been a staple of the horror genre – and they rarely come more confused than Dawn (Jess Weixler). Even if she has pledged to retain her ‘purity’ till her wedding…

Monster

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

First published by EyeforFilm Evidently 2008 was a good year for disembodied monster penises in horror. Cult director Frank Henenlotter set the ball(s) rolling with Bad Biology, a transgressive midnight movie featuring, amongst other entertaining abominations, a man whose steroid-injected shlong takes on a life of its own. Similarly Adam Fields’ One-Eyed Monster sees the enormous…

Freddy

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

First published by Movie Gazette in 2003 Jason Voorhees has been silently slicing and dicing teens at Crystal Lake since one Friday the 13th in 1980. Four years later Freddy Krueger appeared on Elm Street, invading teenagers’ dreams with his sharp one-liners and even sharper clawed glove. Ever since, the two have always been deadly rivals…

Neon

The Neon Demon (2016)

First published by Sight & sound, August 2016 Synopsis: Los Angeles. Virginal 16-year-old Jesse has arrived in pursuit of a modelling career, and through makeup artist Ruby, meets the older models Sarah and Gigi. Jesse fakes her parents’ consent signature, and, on her agent Jan’s advice, lies about her age. After an evening out with…

K-Shop

K-Shop (2016)

First published by Sight & Sound, August 2016 (here with a different ending) Synopsis: South England, 2005. Salah returns from socioeconomic studies in London to look after his ailing father Zaki’s kebab shop, and decides to stay on after his father is killed in an altercation with drunks. One night, aggressive customer Scott accidentally falls…

Games

Road Games (2015)

First published by Twitch (now Screen Anarchy) After a prologue shows a human corpse removed from a car boot to be sawn into pieces and buried in the woods, English tourist Jack (Andrew Simpson) appears trying – and failing – to hitch a ride home from the South of France, his fingernails bloodied and his…

Rejects

The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

First published by Movie Gazette From the renegade cowboy to the teen rebel, from the bankrobber to the gangsta, the outlaw has been a fixture of American cinema since its very beginnings – but the decade when such onscreen anti-heroes really came into their own was without question the 1970s, when they gave dramatic expression…

Corpses

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

First published by Movie Gazette It’s the night before Halloween, somewhere in the South, and some local cheerleaders have gone missing. Four teenagers in search of material for a book on offroad sideshow attractions stop at Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Madness, where Captain Spaulding himself (Sid Haig), dressed as a clown, tips them…